Posted by Rowpen Jobert Sabat
February 18th, 2011 
30 Comments
The Death of Me (part 1 of 4)
Confused and curious. That’s who I was years ago. You want to know why? We’ll, I’ll give you a little background.
I have a loving dad, who grabbed the opportunity to work abroad when I was one year and two months old, for a chance to give my family a better life. It was great. I had things that my playmates and cousins didn’t have. Toys, chocolates, clothes… a dad abroad.
It was already late when I realized that though they didn’t have toys, chocolates and clothes, they had their dad with them.
Growing up requires a secure environment where an innocent child will be molded with the right character and values that will guide him as he grows. Every child needs a model to emulate. And it was so hard being in that stage where the model and the environment I needed to guide me was not present. I tended to look to other persons as examples, and I tried to look for environments which I thought would satisfy me.
Well, my mom was there—caring, loving and gentle. Those are positive traits she imparted me. But still I knew something was missing. (Please don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against my parents. I’m just explaining the circumstances that affected me when I was a child.) My uncles were always at work. So my mom and my aunt were always left to take care of me and my cousins.
At home, I had plenty of time with them so I saw how they groomed themselves by wearing make-up. I got quite interested. I wanted to experience the satisfaction I saw in their faces with every eye shadow, foundation and blush-on that, layer after layer, made them beautiful. I didn’t try to wear make-up, though, but I donned our blanket as a robe, imagining that I was wearing a very beautiful dress.
In school, I played with my cousins (majority of them were girls). We played Chinese garter, jack stones (we even used a golf ball for it bounced well), and other “girl games.” Our other playmates and neighbors bullied me and called me gay, not only because I usually played with girls but also because of the way I acted and talked.
In the absence of my father, a distant male relative happened to stand as a father figure to me. He would pick me up to go to his house and we would play. I was so happy but not until unexpected things happened.
(To be continued..)
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